Fifty Shades of Suck -- The Double Penetration Podcast!

This podcast is dedicated to George Takei.  You will hear why.

So many wrong things with that blog post title, I might add.  Double penetration does NOT happen in this week's reading.  Singular penetration is clearly very far away, but we are FINALLY getting somewhere with this paperweight-turned-novel.  You can listen to both chapters here!

Megan from Mego and I read two, count 'em TWO, chapters this week, so we hope you enjoy chapters five and six!  We chime in on our possible dream movie casting (see below), and we recall, yet again, how horrible a character Anastasia Steele is.  It's like shooting fish in a barrel, people. 

Here is a picture of the blimp I got distracted by:

In this podcast, we discuss a lot of our personal preferences for the cast of Fifty Shades.  I am sure Megan and I are really off (or are we...), but we go back and forth between Michael "Look-at-my-dick" Fassbender and Ryan "Please-show-me-your-dick" Gosling as Christian Grey.  Selena Gomez as Ana.  We also cast the smaller parts.  Jesse Metcalfe as Jose.  Brittany Snow as Kate Kavanaugh (the character, not the inquisition).  Tilda Swinton as Ana's inner goddess.  You know that casting is inspired.  

Future SAG Best Ensemble Award Winners?! 

We also discuss the possibility of Buzz Lightyear taking the coveted role of Christian Grey.  What does everyone think?  I want your thoughts, people!!! 

poll by twiigs.com

If you are just discovering Fifty Shades of Suck, my galpal Megan and I are reading EL James's inexplicable hit Fifty Shades of Grey out loud and providing our own snarky commentary.  If you need to catch up, have a listen to each of the podcasts below!

Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Squeal Like A Miss Piggy?

I don't know about the average person, but I haven't been able to sit through all over Deliverance, the 1972 classic (infamous?) thriller.  It's basically every Republican senator's nightmare. 

As I leafed through this past Friday's art section from the New York Times, I found it odd (funny even) that Black Rock featured an ad that exclaimed, "Deliverance For Girls!"  Black is about three estranged female friends who find themselves being hunted by a small group of men on a small island.  A camping trip gone wrong, if you will.

I find this to be a particularly bad quote.  If you are trying to pull in younger women to see your flick, I wouldn't suggest that your movie is just as a good time as Deliverance.  It's kind of like saying, "This new Tom Hanks movie will make you just as sad as Sophie's Choice!" or "Girls can get raped in the back woods too!"  Perhaps they were trying to hit the "fight for your life thriller" angle, but I think this is laughable.  Black was written by Mark Duplass and directed by his wife Katie Aselton (who also stars).  I think the trailer is oddly structured, but I will still see it. 

'Star Trek: Into Darkness': The Wrath of Cumberbatch

I am probably the furthest thing from a Trekkie.  I have never seen the old Star Trek television show or any of the original 58 movies.  The only entry I have seen is J. J. Abrams 2009 reboot, and I had a ball watching that.  The dreaminess of Chris Pine and Zachary (I saw him first) Quinto only upped the ante.  Abrams returns to Star Fleet for Star Trek: Into Darkness, a blast of a movie.

Like most sophomore entries of successful series, Into Darkness dives right into the action from the get-go.  The movie opens with Captain Kirk (Pine) and the crew of the USS Enterprise observing a primitive civilization, but Kirk violates Star Fleet Command's protocol in order to save Spock (Quinto).  Kirk is stripped of control of the Enterprise and made first officer to Harrison Pike (Brice Greenwood), Kirk's mentor. 

After a bombing occurs in London, bigwig Star Fleet members gather to capture the man responsible for the deaths of over 40 people, and, suddenly another attack breaks out.  Who is responsible for such heinous acts against supremely hot men in space?  I am glad you asked!  John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch), a former Star Fleet officer, is responsible for both attacks, but I won't reveal his true identity.  Some Trekkies might tase me.  Let's just say that he has quite big plans including destroying the SS Enterprise.

Mr. Cumberbatch elevates what could have been a stock character, and relishes his villainy.  John Harrison, a genetically enhanced being, poses a huge threat to the crew of the Enterprise, and Cumberbatch does it with forceful dignity.  Harrison is both icy and fiery at the same time.  When he makes large threats, with the music swelling and stakes raising, you sort of don't want to him be defeated, because he's such a formidable baddie.  I could watch him and Kirk square off in every movie.  I can officially declare that I am also in love with Cumberbatch's voice.  He's a good-looking chap.  Good actor.  Has one of the best (if not THE best) names in the history of names.  Add that cool, silky voice on top of it.  Captain Kirk, eat your heart out!

Near the end of the film, Harrison gets into a fight with Spock and Uhura (Zoe Saldana, smoking hot as usual), and I was so captivated by all the good-looking men in this movie.  Yowza!  

Abrams keeps the pace going until the very end of this ebtry.  Into Darkness clocks in around two and a half hours, but when the final scenes were playing, I was surprised it was over.  It is almost wall-to-wall action.  There is a spectacular sequence when the Enterprise is hurtling towards Earth.  As everything spirals out of control, we see the crew trying to save themselves by running through the ship, and the set literally twists and turns around them.  

I've heard people already bitching and moaning about this entry into the series.  Some Trekkies hate Abrams' take on Star Trek, but I am personally a fan.  It's sleek, fun, and just a good, entertaining movie.  Beam me up, Benedict.  

Joey's Second Rant About The Into the Woods Movie

I am fully aware that I am NOT a casting director.  What the heck do I know about the trappings of a Hollywood agent trying to book famous actors to be in a musical adaptation of one of my favorite musicals of all time?!  Nothing.  There, I admit that.  Now may I freak out?

It was announced today that Chris Pine and Jake Gyllenhaal were "in talks" to join the big screen musical adaptation of Stephen Sondheim's Into the Woods as the two princes.  I am not sure how I feel about this news.  When news broke that Meryl Streep was taking on the role of The Witch, I was excited and nervous.  You can read all about my initial skepticism here.  I am turning into the person who flips out at casting news. 

I honestly don't know how I feel about this.  I don't know why...Pine is D-R-E-A-M-Y.  And Jake?  Well, Jake and I have been secret lovers for years.  I never wished I knew how to quit you, baby, because you're perfection.  I KNEW Hollywood actors would be shoved into this adaptation, but I didn't realize how Hollywood we are talking here.  Johnny Depp is set as the Wolf.  I am fine with this.  James Corden is set at The Baker.  I actually love that.  Perhaps they are just filling out the smaller characters (there really aren't smaller characters with bigger named stars and letting the Baker and Baker's Wife be Broadway experienced performers?

I AM SO CONFLICTED!!!  Can they sing?!  What's going on?!?!

I wish...

I also heard that Anna Kendick is being circled to play Cinderella.  Does she have too much of a harder edge (brought on by her eye-rolling character in Pitch Perfect) now?  It just might be the early Smash withdrawl setting in, but I want Megan Hilty!!!  Yeah, I am still waiting for that Barbie Dream House, too.  

The thing I find very weird is that people are saying, "Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal can sing!  Don't you remember when he sang on SNL?"  Oh.  You mean when he hosted and in his monologue put on an afro and a dress and sang "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls?  Yeah...I remember that.  I hate to break it to you, but that is a horrible frame of reference.

Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh...Can Chris Pine sing?  Anyone?  Was he part of an unsuccessful band that we don't know about?  They are both dreamy, yes.  Very prince-like, yes.  May I suggest someone?

James Marsden looks almost exactly like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.  Maybe he doesn't want to be another prince after Enchanted, and maybe he doesn't want to be in another musical after Hairspray.  But since I love Gyllenhaal and Pine as actors, I should just shut up.  I would rather have a stronger acting ensemble than only strong singers.  Ok...I'm calming...calming...I am not ok with these acting decisions...on to the Baker's Wife!!!  I think I am so anxious to hear casting decisions from this movie, that I automatically criticize it.  Pine and Gyllenhaal are good actors, so if they can carry a tune, I will be happy.  

What 'Time' You Got, Rachel McAdams?

If you know me, you will know that my love of Rachel McAdams is quite vast.  I remember making the connection of who she was whenever I saw the trailer for The Notebook, and I loudly exclaimed, "That's Regina George!  She's going places!"  The great thing about Ms. McAdams is that boys think she's hot and girls think she's cool.  That's how you know an actress will gain a following.  Well, in my mind anyway.  And, you know, I am rarely wrong.  It's my blog!  Shut up!

As much as I love her, I sometimes question her career choices.  Her career started off strong with Mean Girls, The Notebook, Red Eye and The Family Stone (one of the best Christmas movies not about Christmas, if you ask me), but then she took a step back.  The rare, endangered McAdams can now only sometimes be seen in movies that you don't care about.  I am pretty sure I am the only one who has heard of Married Life, let alone seen it. 
The trailer for her latest, About Time, debuted yesterday and I noticed something.  Rachel McAdams has cornered the market of time travel romances.  Hear me out!  In 2009, McAdams starred with Eric Bana in The Time Traveler's Wife, a shitty drama about a man who involuntarily time travels and how is strains their marriage.  I thought a long distance relationship with my fiance in West Virginia took time and energy.  Sheesh. 

I want to time travel and talk myself out of buying a ticket.  It would be worth the butterfly effect.

Two years ago, McAdams had a small part in Woody Allen's Oscar-winning comedy Midnight in Paris.  She played Owen Wilson's bitchy fiancee while Wilson, a struggling writer, got to time travel and hobnob with literary greats F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway.  Her character is frustratingly annoying, but I love her all the same!  The first time I watched it, I secretly hoped that Rachel loved channelling her inner Regina George.

About Time, out this November, is from the studio that brought us Notting Hill, Four Weddings and Funeral, and Love Actually (Sheesh, how many times are they going to cram that down our throats?).  Domhnall Gleeson stars as Tim, a dorky chap whose father (Bill Nighy) informs him that the men in their family "have always had the ability to time travel."  Changing history is out of the question, but they can go back and kind of make sure a date goes super smoothly.  Enter, you guessed it, Rachel McAdams, the American girl of his dreams! 

Ok, Rach.  If this sucks, I am going to have to cut you off.  Yes, "from the makers of Love Actually" gives me a bit of confidence.  Are you happy that you're the go-to girl for time travel romance?  Are you trying to prove to someone that you're game for a Back to the Future remake, because, honey, don't hold your breath.  I love you, and I want everyone else to keep loving you, too!

Even your other romantic endeavors have the thematic element of time!  The Vow, where you played a woman with amnesia, was basically you trying to make up "lost time" or recover the "time" you couldn't remember.  Ok, that was a stretch.  I just wanted to think of that time that Channing Tatum got out of bed and showed us his ass.  Actually, why think about it, when we can see it?  Here ya go!



I Have More Than '237' Questions...

My brain is twisted like a pretzel...and I sort of love it.  Room 237 presents hidden meanings in Stanley Kubrick's horror classic, The Shining.  Was the eccentric filmmaker commenting on the genocide of Native Americans or Nazi Germany?  Perhaps he was admitting his involvement in the alleged faking of the moon landing?  Yes, this is what this film explores, and it only makes me want to dig more.  

This documentary isn't like any I've seen before.  A disclaimer at the beginning says that the thoughts and views expressed in the documentary have nothing to do with the people who made The Shining blah blah blah.  The people who explain their theories (some feel like conspiracy theories) are never seen, and it makes it even creepier.  One theory breaks down the structure of the Overlook Hotel in order to discuss how young Danny explores his new surroundings.  It's very interesting to see how Kubrick makes us view the large hotel through the eyes of this young character.

I do not want to say much about the content of the movie, because I want everyone to find it for themselves.  Besides all the theories being thrown around, another contributor tells us that, while working at a movie house, he is always looking for new ways of viewing movies.  He decided to play the movie on top of itself, but the second copy play backwards.  It reveals some pretty awesome imagery.  Surely, Kubrick didn't do this on purpose (or did he...), but it's a cool exercise. 

Other issues are brough up, such as possible continuity errors in the film.  Kubrick was a perfectionist (he demanded on seeing every single costume for Barry Lyndon and many actor have stated that he demands many takes of the same scene), so I find it hard to believe there were slight little flaws lurking around his movie.  

You might watch Room 237 and think it's total hooey.  You may laugh at all the theories and think I am crazy for recommending it.  I will guarantee one thing, though.  You will think about this movie after you've seen it, and you will debate about what you think is intentional and what is fake.  I have never seen a documentary like this, and it deserves to be seen.  For those Pittsburghers out there, it is playing at the Harris Theatre downtown through Thursday, May 16th (you would also be supporting Pittsburgh Filmmakers who own the Harris, Regent Square and Melwood Screening Room).  A friend told me it was also featured on On Demand currently. 

Now if you excuse me, I have to watch The Shining again...

Trailer Tracker: Early Oscar Hopeful Flood Edition

The summer movie season is only three weeks in, and we already have some trailers for Oscar hopefuls hitting the web.  Shall we just dive in? 

Everyone is featured in the first two trailers, The Butler and August: Osage County.  I feel like they automatically get Best Ensemble SAG nominations by default.  Director Lee Daniels was nominated for Precious three years ago, and his last effort, The Paperboy, was maligned by critics.  I don't know how that could go wrong.  You have Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron dancing in his underwear.  If that's not quality entertainment, I don't know what is.  Daniels returns for more awards-friendly fare with his star-studded The Butler.  Forest Whitaker leads as Cecil Gaines, a White House butler who, during his long career, served eight presidents. 

This movie has Oscar winners out the ass!  It appears that Oprah Winfrey, however, gets the juciest scenes (at least from the trailer).  Robin Williams, Alan Rickman, Melissa Leo, James Marsden, Minka Kelly, Jane Fonda, Liev Schreiber, David Oyelowo, John Cusak, Alex Pettyfer all pop up in this trailer.  Maybe another feature trailer will clarify the centrail storyline the movie is trying to make?  It kind of looks jumbled up and ensemble-y.  Harvey Winstein is behind this, so you best believe he will be pushing someone for an Oscar nomination.  Hopefully, this will be more Precious than .  Does anyone else get a Bobby feel? 

EVERYONE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!

Get it, girl.

The cast for August: Osage County isn't smaller, mind you, but it does have Meryl Streep front and center.  Let me say that again.  Meryl Streep is starring in the adaptation of the Pulitzer and Tony Award winning play.  I admit that I have never read or seen the play, but I have always wanted to (I just ordered a copy of the play off Amazon for a penny -- BAM!).  When the Weston family patriarch suddenly vanishes, the entire brood reunites to get to the bottom of the matter.  Streep plays Violet Weston, the quick-tongued mother while Julia Roberts plays Barbara, the eldest child who is desperately trying to keep her marriage together. 

I thought the play was BURSTING with drama, but the trailer indicates a lighter touch.  Is this just clever marketing?  Or is the adaptation lighter than normal?  Slant has warned that the material is a lot darker than the trailer promises.  The screenplay is by original playwright Tracy Letts, but the movie is being directed by Emmy Award winner Jon Wells.  He directed one little-seen drama (The Company Men starring Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones), but his work with Showtime's Shameless might hint that he can handle family dysfuntion.  The film co-stars Ewan McGregor, Benedict Cumberbatch (humana humana), Abigail Breslin, Margo Martindale, Dermot Mulroney, and Juliette Lewis (squeal). 

Streep is almost guaranteed a Best Actress nomination.  Juicy role + Meryl Streep = awards season porn.  Will they campaign Roberts as Supporting or will August take up two Best Actess slots next year? 

I find it surprisingly that neither Butler or August put "Academy Award Winner/Nominee" titles before anyone. 

Am I the only one who wants Ewan McGregor to get an Oscar nomination?  How unloved, he is!

Alfonso Cuaron hasn't directed a feature since 2006's Children of Men.  You've all seen Children of Men, right?  Good!  The teaser for his long-awaited latest, Gravity, dropped this past weekend.  It stars George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, and, to be quite honest, it scares the crap out of me.  The film is about two astronauts struggling to return to Earth after debris crashes into their space shuttle.  Seems pretty standard, no?  Well, Cuaron is a visual wizard, and the imagery of this trailer is absolutely arresting.  I shall not elaborate more.