I had no idea that a movie called San Andreas was even coming out. Disaster flicks are always a VFX-laden adventure at the movies, but I had my bitch-o-meter out when I first tuned into the new trailer for San Andreas. You know, the movie starring Dwayne "Not the Rock" Johnson as, what seems to be, a helicopter pilot. Just what the doctor ordered: a bitchy commentary about a movie not targeted towards a raging queen like me.
SOMEONE SAVE CARLA GUGINO...'S CAREER!!!
The trailer begins with a woman waking up on the top of a burning building. Wait. Is that Carla Gugino?! One feverish IMDB search later, I am stunned to learn that she is in San Andreas. Incentive to see this now? A bit.
Did anyone else feel like she symbolized an actress deserted in an industry burning around her with no parts to play? That if she doesn't run towards Dwayne "Not The Rock" Johnson," she will never get a sizable part in a big-budget Hollywood film every again?! Surely, this is what director Brad Peyton was going for, amIright? An allegory about women over the age of 30 who can't find work in a vanity filled industry? One can dream.
Paul Giamatti is Soooo Basic
When Paul Giamatti is in your movie, your score pretty much automatically goes up to at least 30%. He must play a scientist of some sort, because he seems to be the only one with an idea about what's happening. And then he delivers the line, "The world will literally crack open..." It reminded me of that SNL sketch from a few weeks ago about the Millenial interns who won't shut the window.
Insert Casting Couch Joke Here
There's a joke to be made right here about the Hollywood sign being blown over that has something to do with sexual favors. I can't connect the dots, but you can figure that one out without me. Use your imagination.
Is Forever Still On?
We would have also accepted, "I can't believe Forever hasn't been canceled yet."
Been There, Done That: Boat Edition
A boat has to get over a big wave before it crests? Where have I seen that before?
You'd be surprised by how many times I've brought up The Perfect Storm today.
Been There, Done That: Wave Destruction Edition
In a disaster movie trailer, there's usually a long, dramatic shot at the end where a big scene of destruction is about to go down. In San Andreas, a giant wave (previously seen in The Perfect Storm) is about to wipe out The Golden Gate Bridge in
gay paradise San Francisco. It only reminded me of the giant wave from the end of a particularly destructive meteor disaster from way back in 1998.
You've been shown up by Mimi Leder's Deep Impact. Suck it, San Andreas.
Bonus Bitchiness: Use Some Punctuation!
Some of the promotional materials are making us trying to feel something ("I love you dad!" from the trailer), but I ain't buying it. Mainly because I think there needs to be a space between their statements in the tagline. It's supposed to read, "Where will you be...who will you be with...", but it reads like an incoherent sentence.
Where will you be who will you be with
Someone needs to fix it! I don't want to think! I have to run away from all the giant waves!