Monday, February 18, 2013

Fate or Choice? Beautiful Creatures Sucks No Matter What

A friend of mine gave me a copy of Twilight in the height of its literary fandom.  I had heard that this was the new big book series, so I gave it a whirl.  I figured, hey, I love popular book series so why not jump on this bandwagon and see how far it takes me.  I immediately got off at the next stop.  The horrible writing was one thing, but the idiocy of Stephanie Meyer's characters pissed me off.  I admit that I finished Twilight, but that was only because I don't like giving up on reading a book.  It took me about three months to read that entire thing.  That's saying something.  Twilight is the literary equivalent to the latest issue of Highlights.

Enter Beautiful Creatures.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  You can't compare your reading of Twilight to your movie-going experience of Beautiful Creatures.  I will argue that I can, because Beautiful Creatures is one of the series DYING to be the next Twilight blockbuster.  Stupid, young paranormal love is huge right now, and, so, dear reader, I will compare them.

Watching Beautiful Creatures was one of the most maddening, frustrating experiences I have ever had.  I had no idea what was going on, what the director was trying to do, and no idea why Emma Thompson decided to be in this movie.  Thompson was the main reason I went to see Beautiful Creatures, because she seemed so over the top in the trailer.  I am a sucker for a respected, British actor going bonkers and having fun.

Beautiful Creatures centers on Ethan Wate, a high school junior who wants nothing more than to escape his small town.  He reads "Slaughterhouse-Five" and has picture of great novels like "Cather and the Rye" on his wall so that means he's deep and really smart.  Kind of like how Bella Swan's favorite book is "Wuthering Heights" in Twilight.  When mysterious Lena Ravenwood moves to town, Ethan is intrigued.  The bitchy mean girls in their school proclaim that her whole family is a group of Satanists and they don't think she should be allowed to come to school (I am working on a Mean Girl sequel featuring these crazy, religious bitches...Rachel McAdams hasn't returned my phone calls)  

Intriguing, potential outsider sounding familir?  Ethan soon learns that Lena is a vampine witch caster (PC term for witch) and she is going to be claimed for either the light or the dark whenever she turns sixteen.  Yup, you read that correctly.  This bitch is only 15 years old.  

We have an inverted Twilight on our hands, people!  Run for your lives!!!

Staring and love complications ensue.  Ethan meets Lena when she has 104 days left before she is claimed.  By day 74, they are professing their love for one another and sitting in exquisitely lit fields.  Then there's all this business with a locket that flashes us back to the Civil War, Emmy Rossum shows up in costumes that were obviously rejected from the Dark Shadows set, and Viola Davis lumbers through hoping that no one realizes that she is doing this solely for the paycheck.  One doesn't go from The Help to this nugget.  It's all so poorly produced and laughably directed and acted that I had a very difficult time staying seated.  

"Wait...I'm NOT starring in Helene Bonham Carter's biopic?!"

I seriously had no idea what was happening in this movie.  At least Twilight had a plot--a plot that they spread laughably thin, but a plot nonetheless.  It feels so jumbled together and lazily edited, so don't be surprised that there are 30 extra deleted scenes when the film comes out on DVD.  Also, according to the friend I went with, the movie combines elements of the second and third books.  If you feel so passionate about something that you read that you want to see it turned into a movie, and then you realize that the book is so shitty that you can't entertain people for 2 hours without yanking details from other books, you have a problem.  

Some of the production design is cool.  The gothic design of Ravenwood Manor was fun until they stepped inside to discover where the design of every White Snake video goes to die.  Dramatic ivory staircase in the center of the room complete with random Spencer's Gifts lightning effects in the background.  I will admit that every time they said Ravenwood, I had to resist the urge to scream, "The Sorting Hat sorts you into...RAVENWOOD!!!"  


I am telling you...this staircase would be KILLER in She's All That when Rachel Leigh Cook comes down all pretty...think about it...

Alden Ehrenreich (sheesh, how did he not get his ass kicked in junior high) is adorable with his angular face and nice smile, but his goofy, stoner laugh is immediately a dealbreaker.  Work on that Aldey.  You're sexy without trying to be, especially when you wear those glasses that make you look like Allen Ginsberg with a modeling contract.  Howl, baby, howl.  

Apparently, there are no picture with previously mentioned glasses.  Stupid Google, letting me down.

These mentioned qualities are not enough to make up for a horrible movie.  If I wanted to stare at hot boys and see pretty living rooms, I'd watch some gay porn while lazily leafing through Better Homes and Gardens.  Let's leave on a high note, shall we?  Nothing better than Emma Thompson looking nutso, if you ask me.  


  1. "If I wanted to stare at hot boys and see pretty living rooms, I'd watch some gay porn while lazily leafing through Better Homes and Gardens."

    Sounds like a typical Thursday for me.

  2. The book series was WAY, WAY better than the movie and incomparably better than twilight. The movie didn't seem to have a plot because the screen writers and directors tore it apart. I could barely follow it myself and I've read the book. That being said, if you haven't read the book, you're missing out. It's honestly the best thing I've read in a while. It's so good, I defy someone not to like it.