Thursday, June 12, 2014

Why I Think the Newest 'Transformers' Looks Unbelievably Stupid

There are many reasons to scoff at the idea of another Transformers movie.  One could want to vomit at the sight of Michael Bay's name.  One might be experiencing a serious boy-toy-turn-mega-successful franchise fatigue.  Or one might just not want to see Transformers: Age of Extinction (these titles are ridiculously dramaaatic, if you ask me), because they are traditionally horrible for everyone subjected to them.  

Granted there is still the faithful legion of fanboys that jerk themselves off over this franchise, but I just don't get it.  I actually fell asleep during the first sequel.  How I fell asleep during Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I don't know, because it is the LOUDEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

The reason I don't want to see Extinction isn't one of the aforementioned reasons.  Sure, these reasons are valid, but I have another reason why you couldn't drag me to see it.  I can't see it, because there is no way of convincing me that Mark Wahlberg and Nicola Peltz are father and daughter.  No way, no how.  Nope.  They have to be doing it.  If Michael Bay would include some twisted, messed up incestual, Flowers in the Attic-esque plot, I would consider it.  Not because I want or condone that sort of thing, but Wahlberg racing to save Peltz would be more interesting if that were the story.  

When I first saw the trailer, I surely thought that the executives were jerking themselves off over this pairing.  Mark Wahlberg, en route to grizzled and muscley, thinks he found a Transformer, and then Peltz stumbles into frame.  She's the Michael Bay wet dream: stunningly beautiful and she looks good escaping danger while becoming sweaty.  I'm genuinely shocked that they didn't make them love interests, because men keep getting hot pieces of ass no matter what their age or box office clout.  I'm not blaming Peltz for accepting the role; she's is a fine up-and-coming actress, and I really enjoy her on A&E's Bates Motel.  

When Peltz screams for Wahlberg ("DAAAAAADDD!!!"), it's laughable.  Then I realized something.  Shouldn't I want there to be a different kind of pairing in these pieces of shit robot entries?  Why bemoan something like a father-daughter relationship in an ugly, loud piece of garbage even if I'm not going to see it?  Why do I even give a shit?  Perhaps I would be more gung ho if they cast someone else.  Someone less blonde or sexy?  I don't know.  

Keep your Bumblebees, your silly robot noises and every single Michael Bay-ism there is.  I won't buy a ticket.

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