Monday, April 28, 2014

'The Other Woman': Sisterhood of the Traveling Idiots

You know...I am more disappointed more than anything in my hatred of The Other Woman.  Did I expect Shakespeare?  Of course not.  I didn't even think that it would hold a candle to the similarly themed First Wives' Club, but I didn't think it would snuff out the candle, melt it down, and burn me with it.  Don't insult my intelligence, and you're all better than this.  

Not every female empowerment comedy can end with a glorious musical rendition of "You Don't Own Me," but I expect an ounce of intelligence.  Cameron Diaz plays Carly, a high-powered attorney who thinks she found the perfect guy in Mark, played by Danish hottie Nikolaj Coster-Waldau.  By the way, we know that she's a lawyer, because every time a character enters her office, the camera swings down to show the company's title that is inexplicably located outside the elevator.  Not kidding--every fucking time someone walks in.  

Carly's ideal romance is short-lived, however, when she goes to Mark's house to surprise him, and his wife Kate (Leslie Mann) opens the door.  Kate eventually puts two and two together, and she basically begins stalking Carly.  For once, the other woman (the title!) distances herself away from the married man, but she is heartily pursued by Kate and her fountain of questions.  Mann, who never really gets a chance to shine away from the dutiful direction of her husband Judd Apatow, is sad as Kate.  You want to feel for the scorned wife, and you do at the beginning.

As Kate and Carly begin to bond over their shared disdain for Mark, something happens.  Kate's dog shits on Carly's pristine wooden floors.  No, I mean, we seriously get to witness a giant dog take a steaming crap.  Poop exits a canine ass and the camera was there to capture it all!  That was when I knew this wasn't going to be the sugary confection that I hoped it would be.  Oh!  And then something else happens.  Carly gives Mark laxatives while they are at a restaurant, and he has to excuse himself from going home with her.  It would be funny if they showed Nikolaj just running to the restroom.  The scene could end there.  But no.  No no no.  We have to see him run into the stall and hear the glorious work of a sound editor at play.  You're behind, The Other Woman.  Taking a huge dump is so 1994.  Way to rip off Dumb & Dumber.  

Kate Upton is in this as well.  I am going to try my best not to dump all over her, because, let's face it, if Brooklyn Decker can be in a movie, so can she!  Kate and Carly discover that Mark has another mistress.  They take off to the Hamptons, and discover Mark lounging around with Upton's Amber.  These two besties sit Amber down and tell her how much of a douche Mark really is.  She can't believe it!  Amber spends the rest of the night with these two women, and it apparently doesn't phase Mark at all.  He only escaped his wife and his mistress to hang out with his newest, youngest piece of tail, but he clearly isn't concerned that she isn't around.  Beach side masturbation for Mark, I guess.

Eventually, near the end, Kate decides to let go, and there's a scene where she throws her wedding ring in the ocean.  It's very Carrie Bradshaw throwing her phone from Sex and the City.  Carly and Amber join her on the beach (does no one do anything by themselves in this movie?) and they share a hug while they look at the ocean.  Fuck you.  

I don't recall a movie that wasted so much potential.  The script is awful, the performances are shrill, and it loses its way before it realizes what it's doing.  Just don't go.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry but could Diane Keatons facial expression be ANY BETTER in that lovely gif you've included... and btw... first wives club is amazing and i'm not ashamed to admit to joining along in the musical number at many a sleepover in my basement with my girlfriends! haha