What's That Smell? Oh, the Five Shittiest Movies of the Year

The tree is trimmed...the presents are wrapped...and the eggnog is poured. It's the end of the year, and the top ten lists of 2014 are trickling online, but my personal list isn't ready yet (so many movies left to see!). The present you can open early this evening is my list of the five worst movies of the year. And, no, Winter's Tale didn't make the cut. Sure, it is probably the worst thing to come out of 2014, but it's so weird and stupid that a drinking game can be devised. 

5. Magic in the Moonlight

Woody Allen always gets a pass from me, but not this time. Magic in the Moonlight is the costume comedy cousin of Midnight in Paris that you don't want to invite to your party. Allen's casting of Emma Stone feels misguided, and she has more chemistry dead as Gwen Stacy from Spider-Man 2 than she does with Colin Firth. It's forced, boring and bland.

4. That Awkward Moment

Oh, you like that picture of Zac Efron atop a toilet with his muscled bum bared? Of course you do. The only good thing that came out of That Awkward Moment was Troy Bolten Efron showing off his ass in this male-driven romantic comedy. If they showed this image in a movie theater for 2 hours, I'd pay for it, but I definitely wouldn't again sit through the nagging tale of 3 brahs too embarrassed to admit they are all in relationships. Really, guys? Plus, Neighbors (which came out 2 months later) upped the hot Efron quotient a lot better.

3. Men Women and Children

Jason Reitman's cell phone cautionary tale features enough characters that everyone can see themselves in someone. Those same characters, however, aren't fully fleshed out, and the end result is so melodramatic that none of it seems real. Swipe left. 

2. The Other Woman

The Other Woman legitimately gives me a headache. Initially, it appeared that we would have a First Wives Club 2.0 on our hands. Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann are comic pros, so this women-get-even-on-the-cheating-sleaze looked like a light, care free good time. This movie is a mess, and that's coming from a guy that appreciates cinematic messes. It's not funny, poorly written, and shockingly dated. 

1. Let's Be Cops

Let's not, shall we?

'Whiplash' Wiped Me Out

There is a lot of talk about "the next great..." something in Whiplash, the feature directorial debut of Damien Chazelle. Miles Teller's music student incessantly listens to recordings of Buddy Rich and aspires to have a career like the famous drummer. In the hunt for creative catharsis, young artists look for approval from their mentors and peers. One thing is for sure: I'm sure glad I decided to go into choir instead of band in high school.

Teller's Andrew Nieman feels like his life is falling into place. He's been accepted to Shaffer Conservatory, and he finally musters up the courage to ask out the pretty girl who works at the concession stand at a nearby small theater. His earnestness is given a reality check when he's invited to play as an alternate in Terence Fletcher's award-winning jazz ensemble. Fletcher is played by the great J. K. Simmons, and, sadly, his performance was the only thing I liked about Whiplash. 

The biggest problem that I had about Whiplash was that Simmons' character never felt real to me--ever. You're telling that this award-winning band director at the most prestigious music school in the country doesn't have a reputation for bullying his students beyond recognition? Not just bullying. Neiman's first session as an alternate under Fletcher's direction ends with furniture being thrown and Fletcher slapping Neiman across the face repeatedly. Tone it down, guys, tone it down. 

In Andrew's quest for artistic breakthrough, he leaves a lot behind. He quickly breaks it off with the girl from the movie theater, and stops hanging out with his dad (Paul Reiser). The more Fletcher tries to break him, the harder he pushes back. In one shocking scene, Andrew leaves his music behind, and he rushes back to get it, resulting in an accident that made me jump in my chair. 

Is his obsession with becoming one of the greats just a product of him butting heads with Fletcher? He becomes so petulant angry, and self-righteous that it was hard for me to root for him. It quickly became the story of two pricks trying to finish first in an abusive measuring contest. It's appreciated that Simmons didn't make Fletcher one of those teachers trying to "teach a lesson," but it just spirals too out of control. Fletcher is fleshed out by Simmons' ferocious performance (seriously, he's terrifying), but it wouldn't have worked without such a seasoned actor. Teller isn't an actor that I personally respond to, and his performance (while spectacular in energy) didn't make me like him any more. 

There is a scene where Andrew practices so hard that his fingers start to bleed. That's how I felt after watching Whiplash. All the blood was drained out of me, and it was only going to get wiped up by a poor janitor who isn't paid enough. 

Well, This Crappy 'L5Y' Poster Came Out...

This poster for The Last Five Years certainly isn't terrible, but it's just kind of boring and too clean. I get they are going for a photo album/surrounded by memories theme, but it feels overly familiar. Oh, and I wish the tagline was "There are two sides to every marriage" instead of "love story." Then again, they could have gone with this...

Blech. 

Fifty Shades of Suck: The Color of Idiocy

Megan and I recorded this episode of Fifty Shades of Suck, but I forgot to post it! What does that say about this series?! 

Chapter 10 is the shortest chapter of the entire book (maybe of the series so far), and that's a relief since it's pretty unbearable. Not very much happens except EL James tries to make billiards sexy. All she does is mention Christian look at Ana's ass as she bends over to play, and lots of balls are mentioned. So sexy, right? I would much rather watch this scene play out with Tom Cruise and Paul Newman from The Color of Money. 

Megan introduces me to a movie coming out at the same time as Fifty Shades. Entitled Old Fashioned, this love story is about a man and a woman who meet and, I guess, kind of date. I think it's aiming to be an antidote to the sexuality of Fifty Shades, but it's probably more insulting with its overbearing chastity. Man, it looks horrid. Cue it up and watch it with us!

If you are new to Fifty Shades of Suck, my best gal pal Megan and I meet up every week to read a chapter from the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, but we provide our own snarky commentary.  Last year, we subjected ourselves to the first book, and now we are chugging right along through the first sequel, Fifty Shades Darker.  If you would like to play catch up, the first set of podcasts are available here, and Fifty Shades Darker chapters are available below.  We hope you enjoy, and share them with your friends!!!

Chapter 9

Chapter 8

Chapter 7

Chapter 6

Chapter 5

Chapter 4

Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Chapter 1 

You Want Golden Globe Nomination Predictions?! Here Ya Go!

My Screen Actors Guild nomination predictions were pretty off, so let's just throw these nominations out there, shall we? They will probably be all wrong since I always put waaaaay too much thought into these things. 

Best Drama
American Sniper
Boyhood
The Imitation Game

The Theory of Everything

Unbroken

Best Musical or Comedy

Begin Again

Birdman

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Into the Woods

St. Vincent

I can easily see Annie get nominated, so prepare for the hysterical tweets and message if that happens. Begin is original and better, so hopefully the Hollywood Foreign Press has more sense. 

Best Director
Clint Eastwood, American Sniper
Angelina Jolie, Unbroken
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Birdman
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game

Best Actor - Drama
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Brad Pitt, Fury
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Not sure if Pitt will get in, but I don't see the HFPA resisting the notion of Pitt and Jolie both been nominated for something.

Best Actress - Drama
Jennifer Aniston, Cake
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild

I came thiiiiiis close to putting Gugu Mbatha-Raw in for Beyond the Lights, but they would probably honor the star power of Aniston before they nominate the newcomer.

Best Actor - Musical or Comedy
James Corden, Into the Woods
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Chris Rock, Top Five

Best Actress - Musical or Comedy
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Angelina Jolie, Maleficent
Keira Knightley, Begin Again
Jenny Slate, Obvious Child
Emma Stone, Magic in the Moonlight

Best Supporting Actor
Johnny Depp, Into the Woods
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

The ONLY reason I have Depp in there is because they loooove their stars. They would probably love to have Depp at their party. I will need shots...

Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods

Both Stone and Knightley might end up going head to head into 2 categories.

Best Screenplay
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Unbroken 

Best Animated Feature
Big Hero 6
The Book of Life
The Boxtrolls
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The LEGO Movie

Best Foreign Language Film
Ida
Force Majeure
Leviathan
Mommy
Wild Tales

Shrug.

Best Original Score
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Interstellar
The Theory of Everything

Best Original Song
"Lost Stars" from Begin Again
"Everything Is Awesome" from The LEGO Movie
"Mercy Is" from Noah
"Glory" from Selma
"Miracles" from Unbroken

Screen Actors Guild Award Predictions!

The Screen Actors Guild announces their nominations this morning, so let's just dive into some predictions!

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture

Birdman 

Boyhood

The Imitation Game

Into the Woods

Selma

I allllmost put Gone Girl here, but I'm a wuss. If it gets in, maybe Selma switches out? Or Imitation? The Grand Budapest Hotel could also get in here. 

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role 

Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
David Oyelowo, Selma
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Jakey is my gutsy prediction here. It's a showy role that actors might appreciate. If he got in here, could it transfer to an Oscar nominaiton?

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Chris Pine, Into the Woods
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

For some reason, I put up Pine. I've heard he steals every scene he's in, so why not have a (in the words of Sasha Stone) a No Guts, No Glory prediction?

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actress in a Supporting Role
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods

'L5Y' Trailer: All About Anna

My initial reaction to the trailer for The Last Five Years was muted probably because I love the musical so much. It's one of my all time favorite shows, so I was naturally hesitant that they were going to destroy something that I loved. My heart would have been ripped out like Cathy's from the beginning of the musical. Everyone reacts to L5Y in a slightly different way, because everyone has had their heart broken in different ways. Ultimately, it's a universal story packed inside a very specific tale. 

The trailer focuses almost entirely on Anna Kendrick, and that's fine by me. Cathy starts the show crushed over her husband, Jamie, leaving her, and Jeremy Jordan is barely in the trailer. It's seriously almost all Anna. Anna, Anna, Anna. Perhaps they are doing it on purpose for 2 reasons: 1. Kendrick is much more well known that her co-star. 2. Kendrick received most of the praise when the film debuted in Toronto earlier this fall. 

That's not something you should brag about...

This is my favorite moment from the trailer. Who knew Wayne would get a cameo?!

Jason Robert Brown!!!

I haaaaaate this tagline. It's very much appreciated that the trailer is telling the world that this is a musical from the very beginning (get into it, Into the Woods!), and it was nice to see "Tony nominated" before Kendrick's and Jordan's names. This tagline is terrible, though. The characters don't know it's a musical. They are just expressing their emotions through song.

Ultimately, I think it looks good. I need to let go more with this show. There's a fear that every single little teenager is going to start belting out "Still Hurting" or "Climbing Uphill" at auditions, and that would be a travesty. Let go, Joey, let go. I'm on board.

Are You Shaken or Stirred by 'Spectre'

James Bond fans must be plotzing over this news. I admit that I was even excited about all of the reveals regarding the latest James Bond film. Do they do this every time, and I've just missed it? My ex-boyfriend, Shane, probably can't work on anything today since he's the biggest 007 fan I know.

This morning director Sam Mendes revealed that the title of the 24th Bond film will be titled Spectre before he unveiled the latest model of the Astin Martin that will be featured. If that wasn't enough, the cast came out to greet the rabid audience. And, yes, Christoph Waltz will be playing the latest villain. 

'Most Violent Year' Crashes Oscar Race with 3 NBR Wins

JC Chandor's A Most Violent Year surprised by winning three awards at the National Board of Review on Tuesday afternoon. Its two leads, Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain, were also honored for the film. There were some other surprises as well (Eastwood...really...), and it's exciting to have something crashing the race as December begins.

Best Picture: A Most Violent Year

I am as surprised by this as I was with Her last year. 

Best Director: Clint Eastwood, American Sniper

Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised. The NBR honors Clint a lot. It's rather disheartening to see him take the spot of some other deserving director coming up this year. 

Best Actor: (tie) Michael Keaton, Birdman & Oscar Isaac, A Most Violent Year

Keaton has two wins under his belt.

Best Actress: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Best Supporting Actor: Edward Norton, Birdman

Yaaaaayyy!!!

Best Supporting Actress: Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year

Best Original Screenplay: The LEGO Movie

Um...

Best Adapted Screenplay: Inherent Vice
Best Animated Feature: How to Train Your Dragon 2

Breakthrough Performance: Jack O'Connell, Unbroken
Best Foreign Language Film: Wild Tales
Best Documentary Feature: Life Itself

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Directorial Debut: Gillian Robespierre, Obvious Child

It's great to have 2 women take the first two debut directing awards this year (Jennifer Kent won at the NYFCC for The Babadook)

Best Ensemble: Fury

Spotlight Award: Chris Rock for writing, starring in, and directing Top Five

National Board of Review Freedom of Expression Award: Selma & Rosewater

Top Ten Films of the Year:
American Sniper
Birdman
Boyhood
Fury
Gone Girl
The Imitation Game 
Inherent Vice
The Lego Movie
Nightcrawler
Unbroken

Top Five Foreign Language Film:
Force Majeure
Gett: The Trial of Vivian Amsalem
Leviathan
Two Days, One Night
We Are the Best!

Top Ten Independent Films of the Year:
Blue Ruin
Locke
A Most Wanted Man
Mr. Turner
Obvious Child
The Skeleton Twins
Snowpiercer
Stand Clear of the Closing Doors
Starred Up 
Still Alice

Will NBR's Supporting Actress Ever Line Up with Oscar?

The National Board of Review announces their awards Tuesday morning, and most consider it the official kick off to the awards season. Last night, I was looking at the major awards categories since 2000, and only one Best Supporting Actress honoree from the NBR lines up with the Best Supporting Actress winner of that year (Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona). Will this be the year that someone wins both awards?

Here's who the NBR awarded Best Supporting Actress to in the last 13 years (Oscar nominees are in bold):

2000: Lupe Ontiveros, Chuck & Buck

2001: Cate Blanchett, The Shipping News, Fellowship of the Ring & The Man Who Cried

2002: Kathy Bates, About Schmidt

2003: Patricia Clarkson, Pieces of April & The Station Agent

2004: Laura Linney, Kinsey

2005: Gong Li, Memoirs of a Geisha

2006: Catherine O'Hara, For Your Consideration

2007: Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone

2008: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

2009: Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air

2010: Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

2011: Shalene Woodley, The Descendants

2012: Ann Dowd, Compliance

2013: Octavia Spenser, Fruitvale Station

The other categories, especially Best Supporting Actor, are more consistent with Oscar. Is there a particular reason for this, or is it just coincidence? I'm not criticizing the NBR's choices at all. They might be one of my favorite voting bodies, because they sometimes recognize films that other awards ignore. The last 13 years in the Supporting Actress category supports that. 

It's odd that Kendrick was awarded when Mo'Nique rook almost every award that season, but Dowd's performance of a weary fast food manager is a great example of the NBR paying attention to smaller films. Dowd put up her own money for a Supporting Actress campaign, but she didn't receive good news on Oscar nomination morning.

Patricia Arquette won in this category at the New York Film Critics yesterday, and she seems to be the odds on favorite this year. Can she win at the NBR this morning and join Penelope in a small group of NBR and Oscar winners?

'Boyhood' Snatches the First Best Picture Prize

Richard Linklater's 12-years-in-the-making film, Boyhood, took three prizes at the New York Film Critics Circle this morning. Not only did it nab Picture and Director, but Patricia Arquette was awarded the Best Supporting Actress prize. The NYFCC is the first awards body to announce their annual accolades, and The National Board of Review will reveal their awards tomorrow.

Best Picture: Boyhood

Best Director: Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actor: Timothy Spall, Mr. Turner

Many have been counting out Spall in this crowded Best Actor race, but maybe his name will start trickling in? I would love to see him get some awards recognition.

Best Actress: Marion Cotillard, Two Days, One Night and The Immigrant

The Immigrant is on Netflix right now, and this award (along with Cinematography) should help it gain some viewers.

Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Let the steamroller begin...

Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay: Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Cinematography: The Immigrant

Best Animated Feature: The Lego Movie 

Best Foreign Language Film: Ida (ahem...available on Amazon Prime)

Best Nonfiction Film: Citizen Four

I am still rooting for the Roger Ebert doc, Life Itself, to gain some traction.

Best First Film: Jennifer Kent, The Babadook 

Oh! That's a lovely surprise. Scary movies are noticeably absent during awards season. I rented this from iTunes the other day, and I'm still terrified to press play.