An Open Plea to Emma Watson

While at work yesterday, I came across a report that alleged that Emma Watson has been cast as Anastasia Steele in the upcoming crapfest adaptation of BDSM fantasy Fifty Shades of Grey.  Apparently, a hacker (who went by the name Anonymous) wiggled into the internal server of Constantin Films and found documents that confirmed that Watson nabbed the lead role.  Yes, I should have known better than listen to report on Perez Hilton's website, and I told myself to wait to freak out until I heard it confirmed by a credible news source.   The casting has since been refuted, but I still feel like I need to reach out to my favorite female Gryffindor.  

Allow me, Miss Watson, to explain why you should NEVER accept the role of Anastasia Steele.  

You Will Become Heir to the Kristen Stewart Suck-Throne

Your sorry ass potential future.

Yes, Emma starred in the biggest film series of all time.  She has been acting literally her entire life, and she has done an amazing job steering clear of the Hollywood slut machine.  I am NOT saying that Kristen Stewart and Emma Watson are the same person, especially since they grew up on different continents.  If you think about it, though, Stewart was a hot commodity on the indie scene before she signed up to be Bella Swan in the Twilight Saga (God, how effing stupid that sounds).  Stewart was an up-and-coming talent in Hollywood, starring in Panic Room, The Yellow Handkerchief, and Into the Wild.  

When Stewart signed on to Twilight she immediately had to combat hatred from Twi-hards and Twi-haters alike.  She was maligned by fans because she wasn't worthy of Edward and Jacob fans, and she was hated by people who grew tired of her seemingly bored and uncomfortable public persona.  My biggest fear is that Watson will be hated from the get-go.  Fans of the book (all those CRAZY women who think the book is good) will shrug her off as too weird of a choice for the role, and Watson fans will be too freaked out that she is taking such an extreme turn.

Women don't care about the main characters in these books (50 Shades or Twilight), because they only care about the men.  

Fifty Shades of Grey Sucks

I went halfsies with a friend when we bought 50 Shades as a goof (we just started reading it together and weekly podcasts are coming soon), but sometimes I will crack it open to a random page just to see how the writing is.  It usually goes like this: Joey read a few sentences, rolls his eyes, dry heaves, and takes a Silkwood shower.    

The writing is subpar fan fiction.  The story centers on the relationship between college student Anastasia Steele and business magnate Christian Grey.  Grey's sexual appetite features loads of BDSM and aggressive dom/sub play, and Steele falls for the handsome fellow.  Author E. L. James originally submitted erotic fan fiction to websites using the characters of Edward and Bella from the Twilight series.  James took the work down after comments concerning the sexual nature were brought up, and she then published them on her own website.  So, she took characters from a successful teen paranormal romance trilogy, added spanking, and renamed it.  Seems about right.  

I have read the first chapter of the book, and I find the writing amateurish and stupid.  You might be asking, "Why are you still reading it then?"  I don't feel that I have the right to sound off on something unless I have read/seen/experienced it myself.  I am willing to give the book a chance, but, to be honest, it doesn't look promising.  If you want to read some of the funniest lines from the book out of context, click here.

You're Hermione Granger.  Just don't do it.  Period.  

I don't want to listen to countless "Hermione's playing with a wand" references.  

You Have Been Doing So Well Post-Harry Potter

After Harry Potter wrapped, Watson immediately started acting in supporting roles in some respectable projects.  My Week with Marilyn and The Perks of Being a Wallflower were both well-regarded, and she stars in Sophia Coppola's The Blind Ring this summer.  Hell, she even gets to play herself alongside Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Paul Rudd in the apocalyptic comedy, This is the End.  Diversity is good for your resume.  Shitty BDSM romantic crap is not.  

I guarantee a Razzie (at least a nomination)

Fifty Shades could be sexier than Sharon Stone uncrossing her legs, and Watson would still receive a Razzie nomination for Worst Actress.  You just watch.  

Thankfully, Emma Watson send this tweet out on Sunday night:

I still wanted to keep this post up as a caution to Miss Watson.  I am the last person to want to see Watson tied up, spanked and having orgasms.  Leave that to Kristen Stewart.  Or Felicity Jones.  Or Leighton Meester.  Or Lucy Hale.  Or Ashley Greene.  Or Nina Dobrev.  Or Emilia Clarke.  I love Watson too much to see her throw her career away to play a one-dimensional character.  If any rabid fans love any of the previously mentioned actresses as much as I love Watson, feel free to sound off.