Thursday, March 14, 2013

Speed 2: Cruise Control: More Relevant Than Ever?

Imagine my surprise when I learned that another Carnival Cruise Lines vessel has reported problems.  At least they aren't stranded in the middle of the ocean, but it must be mighty inconvenient to not be able to get off the ship to use the restroom, especially since the toilets are backed up on board. 

All these Carnival cruise calamaties could be worse, however.  They could be stranded in the middle of the ocean with...wait for it...wait for it...WILLEM DAFOE!!!  A la, Speed 2: Cruise Control!!! 

Best.  Faces.  Ever.

One of the most famously maligned sequels of all time has something in common with the current Carnival disaster.  Both the ship from this bomb and the luxury liner were both heading to the Caribbean.  Speed 2 is one of the best examples of how a sequel can falter.  The original Speed grossed over $120 million back in 1994, so, natually, they thought they could throw Sandra Bullock on a cruise ship and generate the same amount of money.  Yeah...notsomuch.  Speed 2 made less than half of what the original did, and the critics were not kind...

The only reason that movie has 2% on Rotten Tomatoes is because Roger Ebert gave the movie a thumbs-up.  He is literally the only critic who gave it a positive review.  Don't throw tomatoes!  Ebert acknowledges how insanely ridiculous Speed 2 is, but he also admits that the movie can be a hell of a lot of fun.  There is something so enjoyably wretched about Speed 2 that makes me like it.  I wouldn't protest if you asked me to watch it.  If you check out the other reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, though, most critics don't share my sentiment. 

"Do yourself a favor and see a movie instead."
               --Jonathan Rosenbaum, Chicago Reader

"Speed 2 suffers from a slender script, a tedious first reel, and a routine villain who lacks the entertaining menace that Speed's diabolical madman projected."
               --Emmanuel Levy, Variety

Bite your tongue, Mr. Levy!  Can you make faces that are just entertaining as these?

Didn't think so.

Sandra Bullock shouldn't be ashamed, though.  She got to run around with Jason Patric and got to soak up the sun while making this movie.  After all, Speed 2 isn't the most degrading thing on her resume:

I...can't...I just...can't...

Maybe Speed 2 is the septic tank of cinema.  Maybe it will always be known as the embarrassment that it is.  Maybe Speed 2 is playing on the Carnival Dream right now?  How many will leave it on out of sheer irony?  I would. 

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