Sunday, May 5, 2013

I Will Only See These Summer Movies If Someone Pays For Me (And You Don't Mind Me Nodding Off)

There are movies that you see previews for and you just want to hurl something at the screen.  Remember when Land of the Lost came out?  Yeah, me either.  I was going to do a full list, but I didn't want to box in my hatred.  There are seven movies (I am sure there are more, and I just can't think of all of them) that make me want to wretch. 

I liked this idea when it was Men in Black.  I am sure that I am not the only one bitching about that so get over it.  Ryan Reynolds plays a recently dead cop (sigh) who joins the Rest in Peace Department with a seasoned vet (Jeff Bridge) to find his killer.  Bridges should be ashamed.  Was this movie stitched together from True Grit scenes left on the cutting room floor?  R. I. P. D. looks like something The Simpsons would have made fun of fifteen years ago.  Reynolds taking off his shirt wouldn't even make up for this.

The Internship is one of the summer's future biggest offenders, in my opinion.  Who wanted a Wedding Crashers reunion that wasn't Wedding Crashers 2?  Oh, that's right.  No one.  I close my eyes sometimes and think about a fake WC2, and it's probably better than this. 

You can't convince me that these two assholes know nothing about X-Men or webcams.  Lame.  

I know that bitching about Adam Sandler movies is like bitching about George W. Bush.  Easy and pointless.  But Grown Ups 2?  At least it wasn't Little Nicky 2.  Shudder.  

There is, however, a boy car wash scene featuring Andy Samberg and a slew of boys in white short shorts.

You're welcome.

I really shouldn't have Frances Ha on this list, because it looks quite funny.  Here's the deal.  I love Noah Baumbach (director of The Squid and the Whale and Margot at the Wedding), but I HATE Greta Gerwig.

I think the problem is that Baumbach was married to Jennifer Jason Leigh, and I love her, and I think it is all but confirmed that he left Leigh for Gerwig.  Gerwig tore this house apart and I am holding her potentially good new movie against her!!!

I can't take one more supernatural teen love story.  I.  Just.  Can't.  Someone gave me the book to The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, and I am scared to read it, because the cover features a positive endoresement from Stephanie Meyer.  That can't be good right?  Right.  I am a normal person. 

Do girls really dig this garbage?  Just because a hot guy blinks at you, you have to run around after him?  Ugh!!! 

This makes me want to vomit.  People might becoming aware of my hatred of the movie Cars, so, naturally, I hate the idea of the lazily titled Planes as well.  From what I understand, Dane Cook voices Dusty, a cropdusting plane who dreams of competing in aerial races.  The problem?  Lil Dusty is afraid of heights.  Ugh.  I will assure everyone that I do think Dane Cook is hot.  Alas his how-stoned-are-you-studliness will be lost because he's playing a socially awkward plane.  Fuck.  

Does anyone actually want to see The Lone Ranger?  It looks dreadful.  I'm sorry, Johnny Depp, but can you please do something different?  Stop playing characters that have voices and perhaps do something credible.  Do an independent film.  Remind us that you're a good actor.  Stop working with Gore Verbinski and Tim Burton, because you are only hurting yourself.  Armie Hammer you are on the wrong track to becoming a leading man.  Helena Bonham're perfection.  You just keep on doing what you're doing.  

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