Friday, September 6, 2013

Fifty Shades of Suck: I've Got No Strings to Hold Me Down

Is that you, Christian?

The end is nigh!  And, yes!  You get four podcasts in one week.  Aren't you lucky!

Here we are.  The Fifty Shades of Suck penultimate podcast.  Megan and I met up last night to record two more chapters (chapter 23 is available here and chapter 24 is right here), and I think we get a little delirious by the end.  The references were flying around like Christian Grey's semen at a bordello.  We go into plans for the final podcast a bit as well.

Megan plugs a well-written erotica anthology, Ageless Erotica.  She comments how beautifully written the stories are, and she told me that it spans many different relationships and ages.  Every single story features characters over the age of 50.  It's disconcerting that Fifty Shades is the most popular erotic novel, and more well-written stories are left to the wayside or deemed "imposters."

Christian flies down to meet Ana in Savannah.  Yup, because that's normal.  Ana's mother, whose name we learn is Carla, wets her panties the moment she sees Christian.  I begin to wonder if Charlie Hunnam can live up to this ludicrous descriptions of how hot Christian Grey actually is.  Carla is reduced to a quivering puddle as soon as he shakes her hand.  Whatever.  Ana always comments about Christian's stalker tendencies, and this is the first time that I sort of believe it.  On the other hand, wouldn't you want to have your boyfriend surprise you?  I don't know.  We get to add a killer Scream reference, though.

Christian and Ana eventually have sex in a bathroom.  Not the bathroom above, because that would be more entertaining sex scene.  Here's the thing.  If the book hasn't lost all credibility before, it has with this seductive entry.  Christian asks Ana if "she's bleeding."  She answers yes, so he decides to bang her in the bathtub.  He undresses her, and then HE REMOVES HER TAMPON FOR HER!!!  This would NEVER happen!  I'm serious.  As a whole, men are freaked out by ANYTHING related to a woman's period.  It's because they're stupid and immature and they can't understand anything that they can't control.  Christian proceeds to then slam her silly.  Twice.  What, no Mr. Bubble, Christian?  I imagine sexy bath time with these two looks a little like this:

We reach a point in the book where Christian reveals something I should also like: his favorite movie.  I get that he's super cultured and worldly and blippity blah blah crap, but I lose it when he reveals his favorite.  It's Jane Campion's The Piano.  THE FUCKING PIANO!!!  Get it?  It's because he loves playing the piano.  Or because its lead, Holly Hunter, is a mute.  He probably like that aspect as well.  Bullshit EL James.  THIS BOOK IS A LIE!!!

There is another moment where I completely lose it, and it is when we hear a few music titles.  I won't tell you why the one angered me so much, so you'll just have to listen.  Here are the three featured songs:

We question out Tilda Swinton casting as the Inner Goddess for a brief moment as well.  Swinton is probably the most solid casting we had, so I am a bit surprised she might out of contention for the Joey/Megan adaptation that will never happen.  We decided that Mango from SNL might be an entertaining choice considering Chris Kattan will literally throw himself around in an effort to be seem as insipid as Anastasia Steele.

I am continually annoyed that Anastasia associtates Christian's sexual preferences with pedophilia and a mental imbalance.  It's rude and completely untrue.  Well, my ride is here.  It's a Huffy.  So there! 

If you are just discovering Fifty Shades of Suck, my galpal Megan and I are reading EL James's inexplicable hit Fifty Shades of Grey out loud and providing our own snarky commentary.  If you need to catch up, have a listen to each of the podcasts below.

Chapter 12

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