Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Fifty Shades of Suck: Baby's First Spanking

There is no threesome in this new podcast, but this is a first: Megan and I are pleased to present 3 podcasts in this post!  We haven't posted a new podcast in quite some time, because I got busy with a show.  We recorded chapters 15 and 16 last week, but some technical difficulties prevented us from posting.  We go into that at the beginning of the podcast.  There is a LOT to cover in this post, people! 

You can listen to chapter 15 here!  When you're done with that, you can listen switch to chapter 16 here!  And then you can finish with chapter 17 here!

Christian visits Ana at her apartment so they can discuss the contract.  That's right.  They are STILL talking about that.  He brings her wine, and EL James makes a ridiculous point that they drink them out of teacups.  It's like the worst tug of war ever.

I realized that I want every instance of her subconsious to be represented in the movie, but I want it to be like a rolling advertisement at the bottom of your television screen while you're watching something.  I want her to scamper on, do something stupid, and then run off.  

Another casting choice we haven't considered is Shirley Temple.  From The Little Princess to The Little Tied-Up Bitch.  You're welcome.

The discussion of the soft limits leads to these chestnuts of dialogue:

Yup.  These were legitmately published.

When they are done talking through the soft limits, Christian gives Ana a brand new Audi.  Now this book isn't even fair.  We have left the realm of possibility, people.  Apparently, if you fuck a millionaire enough times in one week, you can get a brand new car.  

This is one of my favorite samples of "writing" in the whole book so far.  It's just so funny.

The tone of the podcast changes after chapter 15, because we are getting very bored at this point.  The sex has lost its shock value, and the characterization is just awful  We feel like we are losing either way. 

Obviously, we are getting into some really deep territory. 

As Christian gets ready to leave, Ana asks a million questions.  Because she's a child.  She has yet to sign that fucking contract that they continually bring up.  They discuss Ana going to the doctor and being put on birth control, because Christian casually mentions he hates condoms.  You know, because it has to make a point to make the woman responsible for everything.  God forbid the man wear a condom.  It has to be all about his pleasure and not hers.

I will admit that chapter 16 offers us Christian spanking Ana for the first time.  After slapping her behind for a while, they do it.  Shocking!!!  Anastasia doesn't hate it, so obviously this is going to continue.  He briefly offers to take her shopping for pajamas because she "deserves to be dressed in silks and satins," so clearly Megan thinks of TLC's "Creep" video.  One for our own Fifty Shades album?

Ana calls her mother, who spouts off cliches about men and how they are a different species.  Megan does her best Angela Landsbury/Sean Hayes as a woman impression as Ana's mother.  Ana begins crying, and something tells me that I shouldn't be amused that this character is crying over a guy.  Oh well.  By the way, we NEVER hear an explanation as to why her mother wasn't at her college graduation.  What the hell?

I will say that one of my favorite parts of this podcast is Megan's reading of the email exchanges between these two near the end of chapter 16.  It's aggressive and ridiculous and hilarious.  But not more ridiculous than Christian returning after said exchange.  Megan and I offer a dramatic reading (and another in chapter 17!) which is developing into our knew favorite way to read. 

Where else would you get these two pop culture references mentioned within two chapters of each other?  That's right!  Nowhere!

At the end of chapter 16, Megan and I open the floor to suggestion as to what we should do with the book when we are through.  It's probably really sad that we can't wait to finish this tome of idiocy, so vote in the poll below (and then move on to chapter 17!).

Probably the most sickening moment in all three chapters is when Ana and Christian refuse to hang up the phone with each other.  The "no you hang up" conversation actually happens in this book. 

I couldn't help but think of this moment.  Ana loves her new car, so much but she apparently never heard that she isn't supposed to text and drive (or in this case, email and drive as she is content with analyzing her emails with Christian as she test runs her new Audi).  She is very happy that she can drive in heels though:

Ana and Kate move to their new apartment, and we learn that Kate's parents bought this house as well.  I feel like Kate and Ana would eventually get into an argument about Christian, but I guess we will have to wait and see.  Christian promises Ana that he can get her a doctor's appointment to get her on the pill, and I will leave you all with the creepiest exchange in the book thus far:

 If you are just discovering Fifty Shades of Suck, my galpal Megan and I are reading EL James's inexplicable hit Fifty Shades of Grey out loud and providing our own snarky commentary.  If you need to catch up, have a listen to each of the podcasts below.

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