Friday, August 23, 2013

Fifty Shades of Suck: Be Our Guest!

Anastasia Steele has gone off the deep end.  Well, maybe not yet, but after listening to these two new installments of Fifty Shades of Suck (chapter 19 here and chapter 20 here!!!), you might be hoping that Christian doesn't have a bunny penned up in his backyard.

In chapter 19, Ana meets Christian's parents.  Yup, already.  Show me moving too fast!  Ding!  This is one of the most torturous dinners ever.  Remember that scene from Wedding Crashers when Isla Fisher gives Vince Vaughn a handsy under the table?  That was more lively than what is on display at the Grey mansion.  It's painfully dull.  We get to meet Christian's sister, Mia, in all of her wretchedly written glory.  But, seriously, I want to push her down a flight of stairs. 

Ana's reactions to other women in these chapters are borderline psychotic.  I am concerned for Christian's safety!!!


Megan and I suggest that they should cast a black Christian Grey, and we are totally on board!  Idris Elba or Taye Diggs would be ridiculously hot.  I am going to throw out Nate Parker, yet again, because I like to think about Parker as much as possible.  Who is on board for a black Christian Grey? 

Parker is the closest in age, but I would watch any of these three humping a airheaded, novice submissive.  We do talk about Charlie Hunnam since he has been the talk as of late, but that was refuted this morning.  Dammit!!!

One of the moments that left the two of us in stitches is when Christian undresses Ana "like a magician."  Is Christian Grey secretly Criss Angel?  Casting choice, anyone?!?!?!

By the way, how is Ana alive at the end of chapter 20?  She's been fucked senseless by the end.  Five times in one day.  FIVE TIMES!!!  EL James doesn't really mention how her sex (which we rename in this chapter!) feels, and I am totally shocked that it isn't. 

This is the worst Meet the Parents scenario I've ever read. 

If you are just discovering Fifty Shades of Suck, my galpal Megan and I are reading EL James's inexplicable hit Fifty Shades of Grey out loud and providing our own snarky commentary.  If you need to catch up, have a listen to each of the podcasts below.

Chapter 12


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