Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Lost Luggage: I Saw 'Baggage Claim' So You Don't Have To

This was coincidentally the same face I made throughout the entire movie.

I really have to make this a recurring installment.

Megan (from Megoblog) and I were psyched when we saw the trailer for Baggage Claim, a rip-off of What's Your Number?  Was Number? screaming for a remake?  I found that I was running the gamut of emotions while watching Paula Patton trying to find love at thirty thousand feet.  One minute I was completely embarrassed for everyone involved, and then suddenly I was being charmed by its inept execution.  This movie is bad.  Like so-bad-you-love-it but then realize how bad it is.  If you were ever feeling that you wanted to spend some time with Baggage Claim, fear not!  I took the bullet for you!  Spoilers aplenty!

Patton plays Montana Moore, a flight attendent who will test your threshhold of likability.  She coincidentally has the name of a bargain bin porn star.  Montana is dating a man who she thinks is the one.  I mean, they have been going out for a few months, so, naturally, he's going to propose.  Right?  Graham has invited Montan to his house for Thanksgiving, and Montana's lady bits are all a tizzy.  This is literally a line of dialogue:

"He didn't invite me to any holiday.  Not Valentine's Day or Christmas.  Thanksgiving!  Thanksgiving feels like forever."

Buckle up, bitches, for some turbulence. 


Montana is so smitten that he asked her over for the holidays, that she gives it up to him.  I was waiting for her to explain to her friends that they haven't had sex yet, because that would have been the icing on the cake.  The line never materializes, and I am sad.  Anyway!  The sex scene between them is so unbelievably cheesy and laughable.  It's like a Red Shoe Diaries deleted scene.  There's slow-motion.  There's close up shots of abs.  There's music that would appear on one of those compilation CD machines that you would see in the middle of a K-Mart.  Let me go on record that I definitely enjoyed seeing Boris Kodjoe strip down.  They satisfied their target demographic when he unbuttoned his shirt.  There were actually no shots of Paula Patton getting undressed, and that's a-ok with me.  I felt this movie was strictly made for the ladies and the gays.  Check.  Mate. 

Graham dumps Montana.  Well, not dump her directly per se.  He wakes her up to tell her that he needs to attend to some business, so he puts her up in a hotel and tells her they will spend time together in a few days.  Her friends Gail and Sam (don't worry, we'll get to them in a minute) tell her that he MUST have another piece of ass on the side.  Montana, being the sane person that she is follows him to his house and hides in the bushes.  I won't even get into the details that her friends advise her to hide in his garbage can to avoid getting caught.  Oh, what the hell.  Here's a picture:


Ready for some conflict?! 

Montana's younger sister, Sheree, just got engaged to a promising college football player.  Immediately, Montana goes into crisis mode!  Her younger sister can't get married before her!  That would be devastating!  I think what's more devastating is that she is named after one of the densest states in the lower 48 states.  I think what's more devastating is that she is named after a state that has the largest elk population.  Since she has the mentality of every Katharine Heigl character, Montana thinks she can't go to her sister's wedding without being married or engaged.  Why is this a thing?  Does it really matter?  I mean, Sheree's marriage looks like it has the shelf life of almond milk, so why is no one talk about that?  Gail and Sam (who might be the worst friends ever) tell Montana that instead of looking for a new man, she should rekindle a romance with a former flame.  Because that's a good idea.  Bring on the men!

I am here solely for you, Joey

Let's talk about Gail and Sam for a moment.  They are played by Jill Scott and Adam Brody, two actors that I don't necessarily have any feelings towards.  Scott is the best thing in the movie, by the way.  Gail is forward and sexy, and Scott makes her funny and sexual.  The first time we see her, she is offering warm nuts to a very handsome passenger on a flight.  Gail drops them into the man's lap, and she has a grand ole time scooping them out.  Brody is there merely for my visual enjoyment.  He's got bowties for days.  Let's get back to the shittiness. 

Gail and Sam make Montana a list of her ex-boyfriends/potential love interests.  It's going to be comedy gold!  Awkward situations!  Maybe a dash of physical comedy!  I will tell you, dear reader, that I've had more fun making a colonoscopy appointment.  Instead of really talking about the disastrous dates, can we just rank the smoking hot men in Montana's life?  I thought so!


Trey Songz pops up first as Damon.  Can already tell that this isn't going to work out, because he's the first one we see.  What if this would have all wrapped up with the first guy?  Shorten the already anemic 96 minute running time.  He looks like a baby, in my humble opinion.  A hot, tattooed, Chris Brown-esque baby, but a baby nonetheless.  Damon is a successful rap mogul, and he invites her back to his place.  There are huge pictures of him all over the walls, but she is reluctant to join him in the hottub.  Stupid Montana.  Go back to the elk.  Even though he probably has a lot of money, this isn't Damon's apartment...and we learn this when his girlfriend, Tia Mowry, comes banging on the door.  I sure hope Oscar comes a-knocking on the door as violently passionately as Mowry does.  Damon is hot and all, but I don't trust any man in a collared sweater that's not in a catalog.

 

As if Montana would ever end up with him. 


Taye Diggs pops up as her ex, Langston, an ambitious candidate for govenor.  Of which state, I don't really know because Montana flies everywhere around the countries and all the city montages look exactly the same.  Ironically, she never flies to Montana.  Hmmm.  Turns out Langston thinks women needs to be put in their places, and, during a dinner scene with potential investors, Montana outshines him.  By the way, Langston's investor is none other than Ned Beatty!  What the fuck are you doing here?!?! 

I am so in love with Diggs that him being an asshole is actually emotionally scarring.  I don't want to think about it, so we will just move on. 


Oh wait!  She could never end up with her childhood best friend!  Derek Luke plays Chris Evans the hot guy across the hall, William Wright, who has known Montana for 25 years.  So they are best friends from high school that happen to live across the hall from each other as adults?  That's plausible.  Sure.  William knows the real Montana and isn't aware that his girlfriend (Christina Milan) is cheating on him.  We know he's a good guy because he has their high school year book and doesn't even have a DVD player.  Nice guys finish last, and watch videocassettes apparently.  Luke is sexy as hell, and Montana doesn't deserve him. 

BUT WAIT!!! 


She has to have a foreign guy at the last minute scenario where he sweeps her off her feet.  We don't get much backstory about Djimon Hounsou.  Oscar nominated Djimon Hounsou.  I could barely understand a word he says, but they spend the night talking on the top of a roof, and Montana is expecting him to pop the question for her.  Seriously, she is.  Patton has to act all sad and put a dejected face on when she realizes a rock isn't going to put on her finger FIVE MINUTES AFTER THEY REALIZE THEY KNEW EACH OTHER!!!  Get it together Montana!!!

So Montana goes to her sister's rehearsal dinner, and her pushy mother tells everyone that Montana is going to make a big announcement.  I'm sorry.  But if one of my siblings remotely attempts to make an engagement announcement anywhere near my rehearsal dinner, I will cut someone.  I'M THE BRIDE!!!  Phew.  Sorry.  That was not a good color on me.  Sheree lets Montana stand at the ugly podium and say that she's all right with being alone, because she met a great new person........................................herself.  Um...ok.  And THEN she tells her little sister (from the ugly podium) that if she doesn't think she's ready for marriage, it's ok to back out.  Ex-squeeze me?  The exchange goes something like this:

Montana: If you're not ready, don't do it.
Sheree: (turning to her fiance) Maybe we should cancel.
Sheree's Fiance: (whose name has been changed to protect his identity)  Ok.

They hug. 

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

Well, I don't know about you, but if I was Uncle Charlie, who flew all the way in from Denver, I would be pissed!  I expected a wedding, a catered dinner, and some effing wedding cake!

I feel ya.

So, the moral of the storty is: always talk about love.  Always romanticize it.  And then, be completely blind to it.  Because the hot, black guy across the hall is who you were meant to be with. 

I mean, if she just got What's Your Number? from the Redbox, she would have save a hell of a lot of frequent flier miles. 

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