Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Five Reasons Why 'I Know' This Reboot Will Suck

Remember when people said they should just remake bad movies and make them better instead of touching the classics?  Well, I don't think I was ready to hear that I Know What You Did Last Summer was getting the reboot/remake/re-imagining treatment.  

Yes, the Jennifer Love Hewitt slasher flick is getting another chance to rake in some dough, but I doubt the legions of teenagers will be able to appreciate how campy and bad the original was.  I Know came out in 1997, and it tried to capitalize of screenwriter Kevin Williamson's success of writing Scream--he didn't sell his script for I Know until after Scream became a hit.  

Let's look at the five reasons why I think it's a bad idea.  

Yeesh, that title is STILL awful
I mean, it's very specific title, that's for sure.  I can just imagine movie theater running out of those small plastic letters to put on roadside signs all across the country, because the title is so effing long.  And then there's the issue of a sequel when it comes out.  Are you going to make it even long like the original's sequel did?  

If you insist on using the original idea, at least change that lame ass title.  Please, and thank you.  

Where are all the bodacious blondes?
Ok, I am a bit impartial on this one.  I was obsessed with Sarah Michelle Gellar back in high school, so I loved her as beauty queen Helen in the original.  Granted, Helen wasn't very smart since she was about to get away from the killer and then she turned around!  Who the hell does that?!  You could almost see Gellar rolling her eyes at the script's directions.  Gellar was the queen of Buffy at the same time, and she would later go on to appear in a small role in Scream 2 that same year.  She could have been a major scream queen if she wanted to.  

Not only was Sarah a blonde highlight from the movie, but Anne frickin' Heche popped up as a backwoods, chicken-raising crazy!  

Can someone find her a role in the reboot?  Maybe she can just be the same character.  Do it!  

You will NEVER be able to top Ryan Phillippe's shirtless scene
Maybe every generation of girls and gays has that moment in a horror movie when an upcoming actor takes his shirt off.  Ryan Phillippe's shirtless shower scene was the sexual awakening in many people's lives.  

Phillippe doesn't age.  His body is still insane, and he can put anyone else to shame.  Don't even try to put any CW star in a towel, because you will fail.  End of story.

This is the greatest cinematic moment from all of 1997
When Julie James finds a body in the trunk of her car, she runs to Sarah and Ryan for help, but the body magically disappears.  It must be noted that this killer knows how to really clean up.  The body is covered in crabs and other New England exporting good, but the back of her car is freshly vacuumed by the time she gets her friends to help.  

By that point, Julie has had enough, and she yells to the horror movie gods in one of the most dramatic moments to ever be committed to film.  Ms. Hewitt's gifts are on full display, and a casting directer puts her on a shortlist for The Client List.  

I really hope that spin was improvised.  

Roger Ebert isn't here to make fish sticks jokes...
In Mr. Ebert's review of the movie, he refers to the killer as the Fisherman.  The killer dresses in a slicker and wields a huge hook to kill his victims, and it might be the most inconvenient weapon every used in a slasher movie.  Sure, it's a pretty ominous image, but it can't be that practical.  By the time that the first sequel came out, Ebert starting referring to the killer as the Gorton's Fisherman.

Yes, the I Know movies manage to make me miss Roger Ebert even more.  No one could write a bad review of a horror movie like him.  Sigh.    

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