Wednesday, January 1, 2014

You Smell That? The Five Worst Movies of 2013

No, The Lone Ranger is not on my list of the worst movies of 2013.  Why?  Well, I didn't see it.  Not only were the reviews very loud and ruthless, but it didn't look like something I wanted to spend my money on.  It doesn't matter if it isn't on mine, because I am sure plenty of critics will save a spot for the Western on their lists.  As I looked through the movies I've seen this year, the ones that made my skin crawl mainly dealt with young love.  Young teen love or misguided relationships.  Ready?

5. The Big Wedding

Sometimes a movie is bad because of the bad script or bad acting.  The Big Wedding lands on my list, because I honestly don't remember very much about it.  For some reason, I distinctly remember reacting to the romantic comedy about a family keeping secrets, but if I had a gun to my head I wouldn't be able to tell you that much about the plot.  Amanda Seyfried always plays brides, and in this she wants to get married to Ben Barnes, because, well, who wouldn't want to get married to Prince Caspian.  For some reason, he thinks his biological mother will have a hissy fit if she finds out that his adoptive parents (De Niro and Diane Keaton) got divorced.  Who cares?

4. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

2013 featured a decent amount of young adult film adaptations (keep an eye out for another one on this list) that made the female leads look insipid.  Clary learns that she comes from a long line of warriors that protect the world from demons.  Sounds cool, right?  Well, it's not, because all she cares about is making out with boys.

3. The Hangover Part III

Remember when the first Hangover came out, and it was a huge success?  Remember how it was hilarious, and how it opened the door for other naughty comedies?  Yeaaaaahhhh.  It wasn't funny.  The only good thing about this boring (and kind of sad) threequel is Bradley Cooper in a pair of white pants.  

2. Beautiful Creatures

Told you there was another young adult lit movie on here!  Beautiful Creatures was something I was guiltily ready to see, but I sort of had no idea what was going on.  It was so ineptly assembled, and so poorly executed that I wasn't sure what I was watching.  Not even an over the top, Southern Emma Thompson could save this with her gothic, villainous performance.  I went with a friend who read the books, and she was furiously (and hilariously) pissed at how they butchered the book that it was more entertaining to watch her reaction to the movie than the movie itself.  

1. Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Are you surprised?  Where to begin...

From the deliriously bad title, to the casting of Kim Kardashian, to Vanessa Williams with a FRENCH ACCENT, Mr. Perry continually outdoes himself when it comes to rolling out pieces of garbage.  Nothing in this could be taken seriously.  I was so taken by its awfulness, that I spoiled the entire movie when I wrote about it back in April.  It's the most laughable attempt at a cautionary tale since...well, it's the worst cautionary tale to ever be told.  And the worst film of 2013.  

Congratulations, everyone!!!  I can't wait to see what nuggets we are given in 2014!


  1. This is the best Bradley Cooper butt shot I could find:,d.eW0&psig=AFQjCNGSxb8GsHZiNEpkOAzzGzxwUP159w&ust=1388708180775938

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