I am in need of some movie junk food. Something so fattening and shamelessly delicious that will make me feel bad after viewing it. The movie watching equivalent of eating a box of Oreos. You know what I'm talking about, right? After spending the last month binging on Best Picture-Oscary-prestigious films (Best Picture Showcase Breakdown Part II coming soon!), I want something mindless to clog my moviegoing arteries.
Upon browsing my local theaters, I noticed a lot of movies playing that bros would go see together. Yes, January through April is a burial ground for movies, so I wasn't expecting anything grand or necessarily good. I came up with a few choices. Let's weigh the pros and cons!
Pompeii
Pompeii came out in time for action nerds to salivate over fiery explosions. A love story set against the backdrop of the world's most famous volcanic eruption, one proooobably shouldn't expect very much. It did come out at the end of February, after all. Why not bump it to summer?
Pros: Big, stupid blockbuster (without being a blockbuster). Visual effects porn. Surprisingly short (clocking in at 98 minutes). Kit Harington's abs can only do so much.
Cons: Big and stupid usually means crappy script. Lots of eye rolling to be expected. Not enough shirtless Kit Harington, I'm sure. Emily Browning ruining everything with her pouty lips and blank stare.
I'm sorry, I just hallucinated. Best part of the movie? Probably.
Non-Stop
Liam Neeson plays an air marshall who must track down a killer on a transatlantic flight. The killer will murder someone on the plane every 20 minutes unless $150 million is transferred into an off-shore account.
Pros: Neeson teams back up with Julianne Moore, who plays a passenger on the flight. Chloe reunion that we've been waiting for. Or at least I have been waiting for. Newly declared Best Supporting Actress Lupita Nyong'o plays a flight attendant. Airline thrillers have been missed. This has to be better than Flightplan, am I right?
Cons: I hate that Neeson has become an action star. Surely, Moore and Nyong'o won't have enough screen time to satisfy me. Lack of shirtless Kit Harington, surely.
Don't worry, Lupita, you beat Jennifer Lawrence.
300: Rise of an Empire
The sequel to 2006's surprise smash 300 hits theaters this weekend. This time, Themistokles leads an army of 300 men to do battle against Xerxes and Artimisia. Sounds familiar, no?
Pros: Men, men, men, men, men. The only redeeming quality of the first one was that I got to see a whole bunch of nearly naked men tumbling around with each other. This time we have Eva Green, so getting stared down by her is like looking into the eyes of a more sophisticated Kristen Stewart. Oh! Zack Snyder isn't directing, so we are almost guaranteed no slow fucking motion.
Cons: Pretty much everything. Why isn't this cheekily titled 301? This, like its predecessor, will probably be two hours of men growling at each other--and not in the way that I like to see men growling at the gym. The first could have seriously been 20 minutes shorter if Snyder didn't insist on making every death soooo cooooollll!!! by adding slow motion blood squirting every five minutes. In a movie about 300 nearly naked men, I don't want to see blood be the only thing squirting.
Going Back to the Pros: The nearly naked men. I've never wanted to handle diapers more in my life.
Eye candy at its Aussiest and finest!
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